By Arlene DeVries
That bright enthusiastic parent who reaches out to you with a warm, “Hello,” seems to
have everything going for him or her. Who would guess under that façade is one who
may be experiencing feelings of frustration, alienation, and confusion about the world of giftedness? Like their children, they wear masks to conceal their inner feelings. Just as their children frequently “dumb down” in the classroom to conceal what they know,
these parents are reluctant to admit they have a gifted child. In conversations with
neighbors or relatives, they fail to mention their child’s high SAT or ACT score, or that
their child won the spelling bee (again,) or that they are seeking professional help to
address depression experienced by their intense, sensitive gifted child. My experience
working with parents of gifted children for the past 25 years has led me to the following understandings.
Parents desire effective communication with children.
Parents try to understand their child’s needs from infancy through their cries, babblings, or behaviors. As children grow, communication changes as relationships develop. Listening to the child’s words and body messages gives clues to how your child is feeling. Parents who role model the sharing of feelings enable children to comfortably communicate their inner feelings. Using emotional temperature readings opens the door to insights about the child. On a scale of one to ten, with ten being absolute joy and happiness, what is your temperature reading? Effective communication can develop when parents avoid communication blocks such as: giving commands; using sarcasm; over analyzing the feelings; using diversions to avoid communicating feelings; denying feelings (“You shouldn’t feel that way.”); or saying, “I know exactly how you feel.” Reflective listening lets the child know you understand how he feels. You don’t have to say much. Simply listen, paraphrase what the child says, and reflect the feelings behind the words. Some children respond to written messages . . . a sticky note on the pillow or in the lunch box, or maybe a notebook in which the parent and child write back and forth to one another. Parents who exhibit anger and physical aggression create barriers with their children. As we say to our children, “Use your words to tell me how you feel,” we adults must also share feelings with words delivered in a calm, consistent manner. Listening to your children and reflecting their feelings models, “It’s okay to have feelings!” A home atmosphere of love and acceptance allows for open communication.
Parents have a social conscience to share with children.
I’ve learned that parents, like their children, have a compelling sense of social justice
and empathy for those less fortunate. Parents strengthen relationships with their
children and pass along value systems when, as a family, they reach out to others in the
community (or the world!) Many families walk to raise funds for an incurable disease;
prepare meals or collect food for the homeless; gather school supplies for a community
center; or participate in work camp trips. Maybe it’s visiting the elderly or playing chess with a care center resident. The high ideals of bright children combined with a personal responsibility to address humanitarian issues such as poverty, war and global warming, may lead to depression over the injustices in the world. Parents who listen and find avenues for their children to become involved in a cause can alleviate the isolation and helplessness experienced by some gifted children.
Parents want an appropriate education for their child.
Some are hesitant to approach schools in requesting accommodations for their gifted
child. They’re not sure what to ask for or how to approach the schools. Their curiosity
and motivation lead parents to seek out information about gifted children and
appropriate programs. Internet searches assist these parents in locating books,
articles, and conferences about parenting gifted children. Successful parents think
through what they want to say before approaching the teacher; provide documentation
regarding reading, math, or art work; are respectful and diplomatic; avoid “hot button”
words, such as “bored” and “last year.” They begin with finding something to admire
about the teacher or the classroom, focus on the child’s needs, and ask questions
rather than making demands. “I’ve noticed Emily gets the spelling words correct on the pretest. I’m just wondering. Would it be possible for her to have a more advanced list of words?” Listening and writing notes of appreciation work wonders in establishing a positive relationship with the school.
Parents exhibit (and need) a keen sense of humor.
I’ve met parents who indicate they cannot handle one more “why,” or “how come,” from their child. Although it is exciting to see how much these children want to learn,
parenting gifted children can be exhausting. A gifted sense of humor comes to the
rescue when parents have depleted all other coping skills. Families who have fun
together, play games, love to tell jokes and funny stories, and can laugh at their own
mistakes are modeling an important tension reliever. While sarcasm can damage the
child’s self esteem, this lighthearted humor leads to positive family relationships.
The intensity of parents can lead to stress.
In understanding parents of gifted, it should come as no surprise that they often exhibit the same characteristics as those of their children. . . .highly verbal, motivated,
curious, emotionally involved, acutely sensitive, high-energy, creative, perfectionist, and intense. Because they care and are talented in many areas, parents, too, tend to be
over-involved. Their leadership skills are in demand from cultural, religious, and
community organizations. Their need to know and their drive to excel cause them to
enroll in advanced degree programs. Concern for others results in volunteer
opportunities. Idealism and lofty goals lead to perfectionist tendencies resulting in stress and guilt when they fall short of their ideal. Many parents have increasingly complex demands at work, which must be balanced with the time they spend providing
opportunities for their children outside of school in community organizations, sports or
the arts. These pressures leave little time for the adults to fulfill their own physical,
spiritual, intellectual, and emotional needs. Parents can be role models for their children in establishing priorities, learning how to “let go,” and practicing relaxation strategies.
Parents yearn for positive relationships with their children.
Relationships are the key to raising a successful, caring and contributing member of
society. Relationships are developed through modeling and communication. The
interactions parents have with other adults are important for their own well-being, and
as a model for the children. There are many barriers to establishing relationships in
today’s fast paced society. Do we allow cable news channels, telephones, computers,
text messaging, and committee duties to displace time we might have spent with our
children? The message is, “These are more important than my time with you.” Special
time of just 5 minutes a day with each child is a powerful technique in establishing a
positive relationship with your child. One parent taking a child out for breakfast before
school or on a weekend camping trip reinforces family ties. Children need that sense of
security knowing they belong, that home is a safe haven for them, and that “Someone in this world cares about me!”
Parents of gifted children feel alienated and alone.
One mother commented, “Parenting is a lonely job. It’s very important to know that
you’re not alone.” Parents of gifted experience emotions of relief when they finally meet other parents with whom they can share parenting experiences. Explore the options in your community for meeting with other parents. Maybe it’s a local advocacy group, maybe it’s other parents whose children participate in summer camps or classes for gifted children, or maybe you are fortunate enough to be part of a SENG Model guided discussion group for parents. One SENG group participant shared, “This has been ten weeks of positive reinforcement ending in a closer family, a happier more well adjusted student, and a more relaxed and secure parent.”
If you want to revitalize your parenting skills and interact with other parents of gifted,
consider the SENG Conference, July 18 – 20 in Salt Lake City. This national
conference is committed to the social and emotional aspects of giftedness, including
special programs for children and sessions addressing relationship issues for gifted
adults. Participants will find training in becoming SENG Model Parent Group
Facilitators. Parents tell us that meeting other parents at the SENG conference who are experiencing similar challenges is “life changing!”
Arlene DeVries, currently a private consultant in gifted education, retired
after twenty-five years as the gifted/talented community resource consultant for the Des Moines Public Schools. She is a board member of the National Association for Gifted Children and has facilitated more than 70 SENG Model Parent Group series. She is co-author of “Gifted Parent Groups: The SENG Model, 2nd Edition,” and “A Parent’s Guide to Gifted Children.” Arlene will be a featured keynote speaker at the 25th Anniversary SENG Conference, where she will also offer SENG Model Parent Group facilitator basic training and advanced training.